Do you ever feel like you're always saying "yes" to things even when you don't want to, or putting others' needs before your own happiness? You might be someone who tends to go out of their way to please others, a “people pleaser”.
What is a people pleaser?
People pleasers are often seen as kind and accommodating individuals who are always willing to lend a hand. Whether it's assisting with a work project or providing support while studying for an exam, they're known for being helpful and reliable. If this sounds like you, it's possible that you may identify with the characteristics of a people pleaser. It's great to care about others, but constantly putting their needs before your own can take a toll on your mental and emotional health. In addition to being considerate of others, people-pleasers may struggle with standing up for themselves and taking care of their own needs. This can create a negative cycle of putting others before themselves, potentially leading to neglecting their own well-being.
The tendency to engage in people-pleasing behaviour is often linked to a personality trait referred to as "sociotropy." This trait involves an excessive preoccupation with pleasing others and seeking their validation as a means of preserving social connections. Engaging in people-pleasing behaviour can be an indication of an underlying mental health condition. Some mental illnesses linked to people-pleasing include anxiety or depression, avoidant personality disorder, borderline personality disorder (BPD), and codependency or dependent personality disorder.
How people pleasing can negatively impact our lives
People-pleasing can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, being caring and considerate of others is a hallmark of healthy relationships. But on the other hand, when people-pleasing is motivated by a deep-seated need for approval or a fear of rejection, it can quickly become a problem. The consequences of people-pleasing can range from negative emotions such as anger, frustration, and anxiety to physical health problems like depleted willpower and chronic stress. People-pleasers often hide their own needs and preferences in order to accommodate others, which can lead to a lack of authenticity and weaker relationships. Although people may appreciate the giving nature of people-pleasers, they may also inadvertently take advantage of their generosity, without realizing the extent of their commitments and the toll it takes on their well-being.
If you're someone who identifies with people-pleasing tendencies, you may have experienced some of the negative consequences of this behaviour firsthand. Perhaps you've found yourself agreeing to take on more responsibilities than you can handle, or sacrificing your own needs and wants to keep others happy. It's important to recognize that while being kind and considerate is certainly admirable, it's equally important to take care of yourself and establish healthy boundaries. This may involve saying "no" more often or prioritizing your own needs over the wants of others. Remember that you deserve to be happy and fulfilled just as much as anyone else. By learning to balance your own needs with the needs of others, you can cultivate stronger, more authentic relationships and live a more fulfilling life.
How to stop being a people pleaser
If you're ready to break free from the cycle of always trying to please others, here are some tips to help you get started.
· Setting Boundaries: It's important to value yourself and set boundaries in your personal life. If you have a tendency to always agree to things even if you're not comfortable or it causes you stress, it's time to start saying "no." Often, people-pleasers are afraid of disappointing others due to their own insecurities. However, it's crucial to remind yourself that you're valuable and worthy just as you are, and others appreciate you for who you are, not just what you can do for them. You don't need to make excuses or talk your way out of it - simply saying "no" or "no, thank you" is sufficient.
· Communicate Properly: Communicate your needs in a respectful manner without resorting to criticism or hostility towards others. While some may mistake assertiveness for impoliteness, you can express your needs in a kind and supportive way. Acknowledge the other person's needs and express your own limitations firmly. For instance, you could say, "I understand that having a beautiful cake for your birthday party is important to you. Although I would love to contribute, unfortunately, I am not able to at this time."
· Prioritize yourself: It's important to prioritize your goals and responsibilities above others. By understanding what matters most to you, you can make informed decisions about what to accept and what to reject. If you're struggling to make a decision, assess your priorities and determine what holds more significance for you and why. You can even create a list of options and rank them according to their importance to you. For instance, caring for your ailing pet may take precedence over attending a social event hosted by a friend.
· STOP for a few seconds: According to a 2014 study conducted by Columbia University, taking a brief pause of 50 to 100 milliseconds can significantly improve decision-making. The study titled "Humans optimize decision-making by delaying decision onset" suggests that the human brain requires this short amount of time to concentrate on important information while ignoring all other distractions. This delay can be particularly helpful for individuals who tend to please others by automatically saying yes to all requests. It allows them to take a moment before making a decision, ensuring that they do not commit to something they may regret later. Moreover, silence is a normal part of any social interaction, and it can even boost an individual's confidence and power. Therefore, taking a brief pause can lead to better decision-making and more assertiveness in social situations.
· Validate yourself: Recognize your own self-worth independent of others' opinions or approval. When you truly believe in your own value, you won't feel the need to engage in people-pleasing behaviour. Remember that your worth as a person is inherent and not based on external factors or metrics. Simply being alive and human is enough to make you valuable.
· Accept Reality: Realize the truth that you cannot please everyone, no matter how hard you try. Fitting into others' expectations can lead you away from yourself, and you are only accountable for your own actions and reactions. It's essential to be true to yourself and speak up or stay silent according to your desires. Holding back your true feelings and saying something you don't mean is like being dishonest, even if it's with good intentions. Ignoring bad behavior and letting things slide won't solve the problem, so it's better to be a peacekeeper only when it's logical and voice your concerns when boundaries are crossed.
It can be challenging to break the cycle of people pleasing, but the rewards are well worth the effort. Prioritizing your own needs and values can help you feel more empowered and satisfied with your life. Always remember that you deserve to be happy and live a life that is authentic to you.
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