People lack confidence in themselves, which is why it is so easy for them to resort to trying to impress someone else, whether it be their parents, crush, boss, teacher, or peers. There is always someone who may expect overbearing achievements from you, and how much easier is it to fulfill that expectation rather than figure out what makes you happy, whether it causes you to go against the grain or not? To stop seeking approval cannot be done with a to-do list containing activities you check off to love yourself more. It comes from putting yourself in situations that may be uncomfortable and vulnerable to you, despite people’s reactions.
This is easier said than done. When raised in a school system that constantly rewards good grades, good behavior, athletic talents, and artistic talents while also enforcing time restraints and creativity restraints (such as dress code)- it is hard for people to rely on themselves for validation when there are so many external factors. Additionally, being in the digital age has almost forced everyone to put their whole life on blast, while still making it look effortless and perfect to their peers. Projecting constant perfection is unrealistic, and unlearning this brings you one step closer to not seeking approval.
A student may want to wear something in school to fit in with the popular crowd. Someone may follow a career path solely because their parents pushed them into it. But it is your life that you deserve to take control of. No one is going to make memories for themselves but you. You don’t want to sleep at night thinking about how you spent all day trying to achieve someone else’s goal. You want to take as many opportunities to make mistakes and discover what feels authentic to you. People have to focus on their growth too, and cannot spend their time handing out approval cards. Whether someone tells you every day or not, you have to know for yourself that however educated, stylish, or witty you are- it is sufficient. Being surrounded by tons of people you may be intimidated by can make you forget your qualities. Your focus is constantly on those around you, but trust me, if you saw yourself walking amidst that crowd, you would probably want validation from that person too.
I, like other people, have struggled severely with this as well. Being a South Asian girl (but also a student in general), I feel a lot of pressure to make my family and teachers proud of me. I’ve spent years with teachers comparing me with my peers around me, and not in a constructive way. Constantly envying people’s academic success didn’t make me a more knowledgeable, well-prepared student. The only way I overcame this was to realize people’s gifts and talents are personal to them. It isn’t someone else’s business whether the person next to them is great at something or not. When you realize that everyone is lucky and unlucky in some form, and when you realize that just as someone may be gifted in everything you lack; it's evident that maybe you are better off overcoming your struggles rather than exchanging them for someone else’s battle. And realizing that everyone is human and fallible takes the pressure off gaining approval.
Maybe you have to try something you are bad at but is fun to you so that you focus on other aspects of an activity rather than an arbitrary measure of success. Maybe you express yourself and participate in the stuff you love while not being surrounded by a ton of people that share the same common interest as you. Taking periodical breaks from social media helps to rebalance your idea of what deserves praise and approval, as you are not constantly inundated with people’s “picture-perfect” lives all of the time. Whatever it is, you need to distance yourself from doing things just for the sake of approval, validation, and compliments. What job you have, what brands you wear, what your report card or resume looks like, and what college you attended doesn’t define you. Eventually, everyone reaches where they have to and it levels out so you might as well appreciate the parts of you that make you truly unique.
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